My Turn To Fill Out The Surveys...

It seems that almost all my siblings are filling out these surveys on their blogs, and I have been tagged. That totally sucks. Like I would ever do that to any of them... And since I am such a great guy, I suppose I will fill them out and give everyone a smile, chuckle, laugh, or I.B.S.

The "Senior Year of High School Survey"

Remember your senior year of high school? I'm sure some of you remember. Well, this was a fun questionnaire to fill out, so enjoy. I'd love to see your answers!

1. Did you date someone from your school? Yes. Ami Bell…until she wouldn’t grow out her hair out for me.

2. Did you win anything in Senior's Who's Who? Uh…no. Never made it to that page. “Most Likely To Go Bald” was not a category. Otherwise I would have won hands down!

3. What kind of car did you drive? Ugly Sky-Blue Buick Skylark. Built in 1980. 8-Track Player. Ugly upholstery with little shapes of Texas in it.

4. It's Friday night...where r u? Helping repair homes for the elderly, preparing meals for the homeless, and creating world peace. Just kidding. Actually I was probably cruising and causing havoc with my best friends Zac Mendoza or Mina Mongelia in my ugly car.

5. Were you a party animal? Due to the fact my mother reads this blog, my answer is “No.” I was invited to several parties, and went to some, but always felt weird at the parties.

6. Were you considered a flirt? Yes…only if the girl had long pretty hair.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No. They were the people me and my gang of snobs would pick on.

8. Were you a nerd? More like a snob. Thought I was really cool, when I probably actually wasn’t.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Should have, but since I was able to make myself cry, I was able to get out of some trouble. Was able to get a passing grade on a test in World Geography when I actually should have gotten a “F” but those tears worked.

10. Can you sing the fight song? No. But I remember that we would hold up our index finger on our right hand while it played. The last line was “Go! Fight! Win!” Should have been “Dumb! Finger! Stuck!”

11. Who were your favorite teachers? Don’t remember that many of their names, but I did like my English teacher because she thought the s-word that rhymes with “sit” wasn’t a bad word.

12. Where did you sit during lunch? Taco Bell on Brown Trail Road in Bedford, Texas. They had a smoking section for the cool smokers. But since my mom is reading this, I never sat with them. I sat with the Nerd Herd and we wrote poetry and drew pictures of flying dragons. Yup.

13.What was your school's full name? Lawrence Dale Bell High School aka L.D. Bell

14. School mascot? Blue Raiders

15. Did you go to Homecoming and who with? Yes. With a girl named Tracey. She had long hair and was going to grow it out for me. I was in love.

16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Yes. I would be nicer to people and try not to make fun of the gay people. And I would be in more student organizations. And not make fun of the gay people. And drive a nicer car. And not make fun of the gay people.

17.What do you remember most about graduation? My friend Carie Ann was next to me and it was so hot, her mascara and blue eye-liner was all under her eyes and on her cheeks. And I never told her. Just pointed and laughed behind her back.

18. Where did you go senior skip day? Had to go to school. The student organization I was in had a meeting that day, and I was one of the council members, so it would have looked bad.

19 Were you in any clubs? Yes! T.A.F.E. (Texas Association of Future Educators) I was the treasurer.

20. Have u gained some weight since then? Gained and lost. Gained back. Then lost it. Gained it all back, and lost some.

21. Who was your Senior prom date? Another girl named Amy. She had long hair and was going to grow her bangs out for me. She loved me. But we broke up about 3 weeks before prom, but since she worked at a tuxedo shop and I could get my tux for free, I took her anyways.

22. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? I did go to my 10 year reunion. It was a total blast! The highlight of the entire reunion was when April was hitting on me. I had a crush on her for a long time (maybe 3 ½ weeks) during our senior year and she was absolutely gorgeous at the reunion! She had found a great plastic surgeon. But, by then I already knew I was WAY GAY and she was just 10 years too late. Sorry April!

23. Who was your home room teacher? Don’t remember her name, but she had frizzy dark hair and would try and put it in a ponytail. But her hair was short layers, so only a couple strands fit in the rubber-band. Always wish I had had the courage to go up to her and give her a make-over.

24. Do you still talk to people from school? Did for a long time, but lost track of them all about 7 years ago. But I did run into Ami Bell (see question 1) recently. It was at a grocery store. Her hair was even shorter. I didn’t talk to her. Some habits are hard to break.

Guess I better call my mom and apologize for her finding out “more” of what her “model-child” did when he was seventeen.

Say a prayer for me that she doesn’t ground me, take away the phone privileges, and not let me watch “21 Jump Street” or take away my "Milli Vanilli" tape.

The "All About My Hubby Survey"

This ought to be interesting...

What is his name? Michael. Wish he went by his middle name to make things easier, but it is Brito. I'd end up calling him "My Burrito" and that wouldn't be nice.

How long have you been married? Well...we had a commitment ceremony. It will be 2 years in May.

How long did you date? We dated for about 2 years before getting a home together. Then 1 more year before getting engaged, then 2 years after getting engaged before the commitment ceremony.

How old is he? 41

Who eats more sweets? Obviously it is me. He will buy a package of cookies, eat two, wait 3 weeks and go back to the pantry to eat 2 more. And he complains when they are all gone. If I am not on one of my "diets" I will polish off those cookies before the check written to buy the cookies ever gets to the bank.

Who said I love you first? He did. It was in the stairwell of what used to be "The Caravan Of Dreams" in Fort Worth, TX.

Who is taller? I am.

Who can sing better? Michael is the better singer. Doesn't mean he is a good singer, because my singing is downright awful.

Who is smarter? I am. (And he better not try to argue this point.)

Who does the laundry? We both do. He does probably more than me.

Who pays the bills? I do but we share all the bills.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does.

Who mows the lawn? Do I really have to answer this question? I do. He claims he doesn't know how to use a weed-eater or edger. Plus, I am real particular on how we cut the lawn, and since we don't "fight" it's just easier to have me mow the lawn and complain that he doesn't.

Who cooks dinner? We try to split it since I am typically doing yoga during the week, but I tend to cook more. He buys "fast food" on his nights to cook.

Who drives? He drives to church, I drive whenever we go run errands or go out of town.

Who is more stubborn? We both are. I am more stubborn than he is.

Who kissed who first? He kissed me first.

Who asked who out first? He asked me out first.

Who proposed? I did. I got a maniquin hand and put a fake diamond ring on it with a bracelet that had beads that spelled out "Will You Marry Me" on it. It was in a hat box and he opened it on Valentines Day.

Who has more siblings? I do.

Who wears the pants? Uh...we're both gay men. We wear skorts.


Hope I made you smile! I did didn't I? C'mon...don't be shy. I know you smiled. If I gave you I.B.S. well, I do apologize.

For Sale

For Sale

Like New Mustache & Beard Color

Light Brown - But actually turns your hair Raven Black

Only used once

Okay...maybe twice. Alright! Three times.

Still in good condition

Will deliver to your home if you are the highest bidder

Albino's need not apply

After 11 years...it's gone.

Gosh...I need to tan my chin.

Resolutions for 2008

Whew! Just got back from my trip around the world and am finally able to sit and update my blog. I was so busy touring Italy telling the italians the proper way to make lasagna. I also went to the 3rd world countries and feed all the hungry people. Every last one got a Whopper from Burger King. And while I was on my trip, I found the secret to losing those last 10 pounds everyone complains about and all my hair grew back. Yup. Been busy feeding the hungry and braiding my new hair. You know me. Gotta look good while handing out those burgers.

Guess I didn’t fool ya’ll. But I had you going for a minute. Didn’t I? Didn’t I…?

Now that the New Years is already 22 days old, I got inspired to share some of my New Years Resolutions with you. My sister did it on her blog, and I am all about copying other peoples work. (How do you think I got A’s in English in high school? Wait…it was C’s…forgot I copied off of the dumb people.)

1. Give up potato chips. Just potato chips. I am still allowed to eat Frito’s, Doritos, and Baked Lays. But not those fried potato chips. Sounds like a silly thing, but I needed to give up something that wouldn’t be too hard.
2. Give up Oatmeal Crème Pies. Oh Lord! This has been hard. I waited until January 15th to stop eating those moist oatmeal cookies with a sweet creamy filling that will cause the individual consuming to sigh, moan, and lose some bodily functions. My job fills our vending machines with the Double Decker Oatmeal Crème Pies. Sixty-five cents for orgasmic delight. But have you ever looked at the calories in those suckers? Over 550 calories each! That’ll take 1 hour of intense yoga to burn those calories!!
3. Clean out the garage. I’m too busy with yard work in the spring so that’s something that will have to wait until summer, and hopefully it will be too hot, so I will wait until Autumn. By Autumn, it’ll be too rainy. And it’s too cold in the winter. Might as well just save it until 2009.
4. Learn how to drive a standard car. All I’ve ever driven is an automatic. My former friend, Sam, decided to teach me back in college, and we ended up getting stuck in a ditch in Sulphur Springs, Texas late at night. Another former friend let me try it in his convertible Mustang. Still looking for those hub-caps and back end of the bumper somewhere in downtown Fort Worth. Please let me know if you want to teach me but not become a former friend. Not many people will accept my apologies once their cars have been altered by teaching me how “easy it is to drive a standard”...yea, right.
5. Get a flat stomach. I will still continue doing yoga. I do it a minimum of 3 times a week, and hopefully with having given up those cursed oatmeal crème pies, I will have better results. When I was 50 pounds less than I weigh now, I had a flat stomach for maybe 37 minutes. I’d like to actually have a flat stomach once in my life without the depressing skinny look.
6. Go to California. Michael TOM and I are actually saving money and hope to go in August. But if I have to pay for a new gear-shift for a friend who thought they could teach me how to drive a standard, we may not be able to go until later in the year. Unless we hitch hike. I know some nice truckers in the industry I work in. Hmmm…may have to talk to Michael TOM about it.
7. Get Lola pregnant. Not that I would have anything to do with the ACT of her getting pregnant, but I really want her to have a litter of puppies. Last time she whored around, she just pretended to get pregnant to get special treatment. If she doesn’t get knocked up at the next go round, we will just buy her a sexy black doggie dress, stiletto pumps, and a stripper pole and pray for the best. Or just get her spayed.

Well, looks like I’ve got a couple things I “might” get done this year.

Suppose I better stop handing out the Whoppers to the hungry while trying to keep my new-found bangs out of my eyes and get to work on my resolutions. Gotta pretend I’m cleaning out the garage to keep Michael TOM from yelling at me. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find where I hid my secret stash of potato chips and oatmeal crème pies!

Is this Blog still being done?

I know! Slap me naked and hide my clothes, I haven't updated my blog in a while. Okay, in forever and a year.

Tis the season to be up to my ears in work and chores. My job is keeping me so busy, when I finally get home from yoga or ear modeling classes, I hardly have time to blog.

I'll get better. Promise. Wanna know the "cliff-notes" of what I've been doing?

1. I got the flu. Sucked. And I still went to work. Cause I want to be able to tell little kids that I am better than their parents who went to school in the snow up-hill both ways. I go to work in the snow up-hill both ways AND sick. But I drive...which I won't tell them.

2. We decorated the outside of our house with Christmas lights. When I say we, I mean me. And I was sick. And it was cold. And I was having to walk up-hill. Don't you feel sorry for me yet?

3. I ate too much turkey at Thanksgiving. Besides making me extremely sleepy, it gave me the worst turkey-toots. Had to refrain from yoga for a couple of days to prevent killing people.

4. Went Christmas shopping. I've learned that the older I get, I have little to no patience for dumb ugly people. And the town we live in is filled with dumb ugly people who breed. And all shop at the same time that I want to.

5. I changed my hairstyle. I now part it on the right side. Yea, right! The only hair on my head long enough to part grows out of my ears. Thinking about getting highlights next.

So, will you still love me and not throw rocks at me and post ugly comments? Please?

My husband is telling me to hurry up and get off the computer. We are on our way to go shopping and surround ourselves with dumb ugly people. Maybe I'll eat some turkey before we head out to Wal-Mart and see if I can get some people to think their little babies in the shopping carts had an accident? That sounds like fun! I'll let you know how it turns out.

Moms Surprise Birthday Party

This past weekend we had a "Surprise Birthday Party" for my mom. I thought organizing a get-together wouldn't be any problem.

I got zits from all the stress.

I don't do zits. But luckily I had some old cover-up that was close to my skin color. The party turned out wonderful, even if my name should have been changed to "mayonnaise face" and I chewed every nail on my left hand.

We got a 6-foot Subway Sandwich, lots of chips, dressed up potato salad (Recipe: go to Wal-Mart, buy their potato salad, add chopped celery, and place in a bowl from your kitchen...fools even the toughest critic), and a metal tub filled with every soda imaginable...except for Diet Cherry Vanilla Chocolate Blueberry and Oregano Dr Pepper.

Everyone hid in Dad's clinic. About 25 to 30 of Mom's closest friends with their families showed up! Mom was having a very bad day and needed sugar or a stiff drink when she got to the clinic with Dad. Dad played it off that they were going out to eat, but needed to go to the clinic to do something "very important." She was going towards the front door when the lights went on, people screamed "Surprise" and Mom soiled her Depends. Just kidding! It was Wal-Mart Brand, cause Depends cost too much.



Michael TOM wasn't able to make it, so he let Mom "borrow" his queens crown and feather boa. (Before I left to go to Paris, Michael TOM let it be known that it would be a week of me sleeping on the couch if I forgot to bring home his precious crown and boa.) Look closely at this picture. I am almost positive Mom is looking up at me and is thinking about what a wonderful son I am and that she wishes she never gave me a spanking for saying curse words in church. I just know it! Oh, and you can kinda see my baby sister, Kelly looking up at the crown. She is thinking, "One day, that crown will be mine and all my people will bow before me!"

These were some cool napkins we got for the party. You know it's a good party when there is no cake leftover, very little "dressed up" potato salad to throw away, and people ask if they can take napkins home!

Kelly screamed out, "Everyone do the Hayes tilt" right before the picture was taken and we all tilted our head to one side. All of us tend to tilt our heads whenever we have pictures. There just isn't something right with us.

It wasn't easy getting this "Surprise Party" planned, but seeing how happy it made Mom feel, sure made it worth it. She never once commented on my zitty face, tried to corner me to pop one, nor asked why I was wearing coverup make-up.

Perhaps all those years of trying on Moms make-up as a kid paid off.

Happy Birthday Mommy!! I love you very much, and though I swore I would never offer to plan another birthday party, if you asked me very nicely and gave me money, I would do it. Lots of money.

Lots.

Mama Rose's Birthday Bash

Michael TOM actually lent Mama Rose his crown and feather boa's!!!

Yesterday we had a special get-together to celebrate Mama Rose's 60th birthday!

Like all get-togethers at our home, we decided to start around 1:30 in the afternoon. The first to arrive showed up at 1:45...and Michael TOM is one of those who likes punctuality and points out how he is "never" late to anyone who is not on time. My sister-in-law, Melissa, keeps beating the "All-Time Record" for tardiness. She pulled into the driveway shortly before 3:00...and she was bringing the chicken we were grilling, so there was no starting without her! We've decided to tell her that Thanksgiving is on Wednesday evening, that way we can eat the Thanksgiving feast on Thursday around noon.

Everyone had a great time eating grilled chicken, pork chops, garlic mashed potatoes, and other of Mama Rose's favorite foods. It was so good, someone (who will remain nameless) belched in total approval. (No, it wasn't me or any other male... but I was impressed.)

For dessert, I was locked in the kitchen the night before and forced to make a cake or suffer from 47 lashings with a leather-braided belt. It was a yummy "Strawberry Poke Cake" with Cool-Whip frosting. Very low in fat and calories...until eaten. Then it's somewhat fatty and somewhat packed with calories.

With a belly full of good food and the echo of the loud belch still lingering in the air, we decided to go outside for some pictures. Michael TOM was trying his darndest to get our nieces to smile and laugh for his camera, but the smiles were very forced and the faces all looked like we shocked them by opening the door while they were sitting in a bathroom stall.

That's when I decided I could get them to smile.

I went behind my sweet and forgiving partner and pulled his pants down.

After I ran out of breath, Michael TOM caught up to me and popped me one on the bald spot of my head...okay...one of the bald spots. The laughter continued throughout the remainder of the picture taking, and even if I wasn't allowed into the house the rest of the evening, we did get a couple good pictures.

Here is "Farmer Joe", "Chunky Monkey Josh", "Mama Rose", "Gonna-Make-Mama-Rose-A-Great-Grandmother-In-6-Months Stephanie", "Take-Me-Drunk-I'm-Home Kristina", and "Sleeping-While-Smiling Melynda".

Yup, you read that right! Next year, there will be a new baby in the mix! Our niece Stephanie is expecting. We are all excited and know that she will be a great mother. Michael TOM and I think the baby should be named Michael...after her favorite Uncle Michael (me).

Kristina also just turned 21 and we wished her a happy and sober birthday. At least it was a happy birthday, if not a sober one.

Oh, and Melissa, you better not be late to Thanksgiving dinner. Otherwise I will tell everyone it was you who shook the shingles off the roof with your belching.

See you promptly at noon on Thanksgiving day.

Happy Birthday Mama Rose! Love you and wish you nothing but the best in the year to come!

Life Walk 2007

Yesterday, Michael TOM and I were lucky enough to do the 5K Life Walk with some family and great friends. It was a fundraising event for AIDS and was a whole lot of fun. The weather was really nice, which I was nervous that it would be typical Texas weather...either rainy, nasty hot, or colder than a cast-iron toilet seat on the shady side of an igloo. It turned out to be in the 70's to mid-80's. Oh, and when you got there, they had free iced-coffee from Starbucks! Definitely worth it.



Here we are just after we started walking. Notice how we are all standing straight up. I wish we had one of the finish-line. People were slouching and some running to the bathroom to relieve their bladders. No potty breaks on the walk!

Big-Sister Myrna, Vicky, freshly-colored goatee Me, Linda, Sandy, and Michael TOM...and the "Popular-Blow-Up-Ball" that was a gift at registration. People were throwing it back from the top of the line and everyone tried to keep it from touching the ground. I volleyed the balls a couple of times, and one of them hit a passing Mercedes. Snobby Mercedes drivers don't like getting their cars hit with blow-up balls. One of the many lessons learned yesterday.

After having burned all those calories, what a better way to celebrate than to eat some fattening mexican food and enjoy a margarita...or two. That is Michael TOM's sister, Tracy, in-between us. She needed "favorite-brother-in-law-Michael" to show her the right way to drink a margarita. It took me 2 margarita's to let her know the proper way of sipping one thru a straw. (If anyone out there is in need of assistance with the proper way of drinking a frozen margarita, I will make a sacrifice and teach you. You will be responsible for supplying the margaritas. Lessons are not free or cheap.)

The Aids Life Walk was such a great experience! Michael TOM and I raised over $500 for the fund-raiser, and next year we hope to double it! I am also going to practice before then to get a better and faster "spike-hit" so my blow-up beach balls will leave dents in the Mercedes. I may even try for a Jaguar.