Posting a Comment

I've been told by several of my family and friends that they see comments from others on this blog, but are unsure about how to post a comment. Do they need a "Google Account"? Is it hard to post a comment? Will I break anything if I do it wrong? Will doing too many comments cause anal leakage?

No, you don't need a "Google Account" or anything like that. No, it is so easy to post a comment, a blind person who has no fingers and only 3 toes to type with can do it. No, if you do break anything if you do it wrong, well, you must be blind and typing with 3 toes while loading a gun. And, ewww...if it causes anal leakage, I definitely don't care to find out. Keep that nasty stuff to yourself. But do wear Depend Undergarments just to play it safe until further research is done.

I'll walk you thru posting a comment, and hope that you find it relatively easy. Take notes, because there will be a quiz at the end. Bring a #2 pencil.

At the bottom of the post, there is a place you can click that will say something like "2 comments", just click on it once.

A window will pop up with peoples comments on the left side, and under the "Leave Your Comment" on the right side is a box where you can type in a lovely message expressing your undying love for Michael Tom and I or give your favorite recipe for ice water. Whatever you want to say, so long as it doesn't offend me. And since nothing offends me, feel free to say whatever.

Under the comments box is "Choose an Identity" that gives you 3 choices. Google/Blogger, Other, or Anonymous. Click the pretty little circle next to "Other" and it leaves you the option to leave your name and your website. If you don't have a website, don't fear, it is not a required field to fill in. Just put your name, or whatever name you want to put in the name field and leave the website field blank. If you have always wished to be called "Brownie Skid Pantie" go right ahead and use that name. If you want to be called "Shirley" but your Mom insisted your name be "Jesibel", be brave and use your new name. But if I don't know your "secret" name, I'll go around wondering who the heck is "Brownie Skid Pantie"...Grandpa, is that you?

Once you have picked your name, you can "Preview" or "Publish" your comment. If you preview it, don't forget that it won't post for others to see until you "Publish" the comment.

See, there. That's it. Did it hurt? Didn't think so. If it did, you must be typing with only 3 toes and got a cramp, so I apologize. Try stretching first.

Now, try it out. Leave me a comment. But do be careful and check for anal leakage once done.

Never can be too safe.

Yard Beautification Beginning

I woke up Saturday with a bug up my butt. Our front yard had just been blessed with a nice sprinkler system, and now it was time to add some flowerbeds before the new lawn arrives next weekend.
Here is a photo of what hard work can reward you with:

But, let's look at how it started...

No, this isn't an abandoned graveyard. It is actually our front yard. It would bring tears to the eyes of passerby and several flyers on our door from people willing to help with our landscape.
This was bought on "Trip-One-To-The-Neighborhood-Lowe's-Home-Improvement-Store." This picture is also proof to my chiropractor what caused my back to go out.
"Trip-Two-To-The-Neighborhood-Lowe's-Home-Improvement-Store" was to purchase more of the wooden borders. The expression on my face was a result of "tiredofgoingtoLowe's-itis" and learning that "Easy Installation" Instructions was false advertising, along with a mild case of "nobeerinfridge" syndrome.
No photos were taken of "Trip-Three-To-The-Neighborhood-Lowe's-Home-Improvement-Store" because I do not wish to be incriminated against. The trunkload of flowers was not enough, I was dirty, my 2-hour project was now in the 6th hour, and my Degree Antiperspirant was sweated off long ago. I walked into the Garden Center with steam literally screaming from my dirt-filled ears, the crowds of yuppy smiling amateur gardeners avoided eye contact with me and parted to make a path for me along the worn path to the discount flowers. The bubblegum-chewing Lowe's employee named Nikki (Like Nicky, but with and "i") who smiled big at me on trip #1 and #2 knew better than to smile or ask if I found everything okay. After paying, she popped her Juicy Fruit, handed me my receipt, and said, "See you later."

Funeral arrangements are pending for Nikki - with an "i".

Where were you when the hail came on Friday?

From mid-week of last week, the news was predicting some severe thunderstorms on Friday evening. Possible hail, strong winds, downpour of rain, witches flying around on brooms...typical spring Texas weather.
Friday morning, I packed my workout bag before leaving for work. I was going to workout, come hell or high water...little did I know both would be true.
On my way from work to 24-Hour Fitness, I called Michael TOM and told him I'd be home around 6:30 - 7:00 and we'd go out for dinner afterwards. An hour into working out, I sit a bit in the hot-tub and steam room. Out the foggy windows of the pool area, I could see that the storm was coming in and I'd better hurry up and shower to get home before I'd need an arc and paddle to make it to our garage.
After a quick shower, I paddle my wet self to my locker with the ratty sports club issued towel wrapped around me. There are 5 separate locker rows, and I am in the middle row, midway between the door to the pool and front entrance by the trainers desk. Happy that on Fridays almost no one is in the locker room, I get distracted by what sounded like a pre-pubescent boy in the next row. Realizing I better hurry and get dressed to avoid being seen I then hear another pre-pubescent boy say that he hasn't been in a boys locker room since some kids pushed her in one in junior high. OH MY GOD! Those are women in the locker room, not 11 year-old high-pitched voiced boys! I scramble to pull up my underwear, only to realize mid-thigh I accidently grabbed a pair of Michael TOM's tighty whitey sized small undies. No, in case you were wondering, they didn't even come close to trying to make it over my butt. After what felt like forever, I got them peeled off and threw on my jeans before 4 or 5 women walked past the row I was in.

I grabbed one of the guys as he walked past, "What in the hell kind of nightmare am I in? This is a men's room, last I checked?"

"Did you not hear? The tornado sirens are going off and since the mens locker-room is in the middle of the building, everybody has been evacuated to this area."

Lovely.

I throw on my shirt over my wet chest, and it instantly feels like I am in a wet t-shirt competition.

"Could it get any worse?" I dared to think. As I roll my eyes to God to deliver me from all this and to thank him for not letting any of the ladies see me, my eyes catch something I've never noticed before on the ceiling. A mirror, similar to the ones at stores so clerks can see who is in the next couple of aisles before they get to them.

I smile, wave at the women in the reflection, and give up.

So, please tell me I'm not the only one who had an interesting experience during the storm? Please share with me your story! And if you are one of the women in the locker room last Friday, no need to share. I'm humiliated enough already.

Weekend of 4/14-4-15

Our two "unspoiled" girls went to the beauty shop on Saturday. Michael Tom and I love it when they go to the groomers, because when they come home, they are pooped and afraid that if they act up they will have to go away again. Lola's blue bows lasted 4.5 hours after coming home. Patches pink bows have a different staying power. One fell off on Wednesday, and as of today, Friday, the other is still in her hair. Patches is trying to start a new fad. We like for them to express their individual styles...

Hey! How can you expect me to read this book? I am only 7 months old. I can't read yet! Mean grown-ups! Besides, the storyline sucks. Stupid dancing sheep! Sheesh! Whatever!

The Boys

Brownie - Lola's babies future Daddy if she's not lesbian.

Michael Tom - future crabby man in a rocking chair shooting rubber bands at kids.

Joshua - my sister's daughters (Emily) future husband...if she like younger men.

Me - future crabby man in a rocking chair with Michael Tom, squirting kids with a water hose.

Our Aunt Sally and Joshua. After Joshua's blessing at his parents church, we ended up back at our home for some homemade Snickers chocolate cake. Originally we weren't going to all be coming back to our house, but once word spread that we had the Snickers Cake, we barely made it home it time before family was ringing the doorbell with smiles and enough room in the tummy for a slice of cake. We love our family, so we just might have to start making the cake every weekend to have family over!

That gives me an idea, perhaps I'll be like "Pioneer Woman" and give recipes out on the blog whenever I can't think of anything exciting... Okay! I'll do it. Since you all are so nice and can't wait until a future blog, here you go with one of my favorites:

Ice Water: 1 glass + ice cubes + water. Mix well and enjoy. Can be doubled for large crowds.

Gosh I'm good.

Introduction to Nicholas, Carter, and Eric

Here are my older brothers three handsome young boys. Look a lot like Favorite Uncle Michael...don't they? Don't they?

Carter is on the left with the green hat on. He is four years old and quite the talker. He is the second born, a deep thinker, and takes instructions the same as most may take suggestions. Very independent minded...hmm, I was the second child and see a lot of similarities. (Message to Carter's Dad from Favorite Uncle Michael: hide the matches, don't rule him out as the bed-wetter when it is someone elses bed, and buy him Lego's.)

Nicholas is the handsome one in the middle with the blue cap on his head. Nick (as he prefers to be called by his Favorite Uncle Michael) may only be eight years old right now, but is a future NFL, NHL, NBA, Soccer, and Tae-Kwan-Do All-Star. This kid excels at everything! He's a pro at any sport he decides to partake in. I am planning on building him a 50 foot long by 8 foot high shelfing system for all his tropheys he will soon be collecting. When he got glasses, I was nervous what the kids might say in his class, but when a kid asked him why he got glasses, his response was, "So I can see...duh." Ahhh...another I've influenced well.

Eric is the young-un on the right teaching his two older brothers the ins and outs of playing the Nintendo Game. Eric is nine months old and smiles a lot! He's got the cutest smile and wins the affection of any person he comes in contact with. The meanest truck driver with tattoos of skull and crossbones all over his arms with a beard down to his man-boobs that will snarl, say a dirty word while spitting tobacco, will crumble under Eric's smile and crack a smile showing his black teeth, while saying "coochie-coo"... Trust me!

Hey babe, what'cha say we go and share a Juicy Juice and I flex my muscles for ya?

Carter and his "Not-My-Girlfriend." She's sure a cute "not-your-girlfriend." I wasn't there when this picture was taken, but I just know that he was telling her how cool Favorite Uncle Michael is. I just know it.

Can't see the sign, but it says "Not responsible for cleaning up the puke"

Caught you!!!! I heard it! You smiled and were saying stuff like "Awww!", "What a cutie!", "Coochie Coo!" Told ya.

One of our favorite pictures of Carter, Nicholas and Corgan taken this past Christmas in one of those "Pop Tents" that they all loved. Kids have it too easy today, what with a "Five-Seconds-And-It's-Ready" Playhouse. My big brother Aaron and I thought it was cool, but not near as cool as the tents we made as kids on Grandpa and Grandma Hayes's back deck with black landscape plastic, queen-sized bed sheets, lots of hand-sewn antique quilts, handful of nails and a cardtable. It only took 2 days to build, but was our "Five-Seconds-And-It's-Gone" Playhouse.

introduction to Corgan and Caiden

Our handsome littlest nephew...for now until nephew #6 comes. He's just over 1 month old and already has Favorite Uncle Michael and Uncle Michael TOM wrapped around his 2 inch fingers. His favorite activity is pooping. His favorite drink is Leche de Titty. What a cutie!
Hello Clairesse... I ate his liver with fava beans.

No, Corgan is not a cannibal. This little bundle of cuteness is two. He's learning sign language and loves to be outside. According to his mommy, he would spend all day outside if he could. I sense a future as a "Grizzly Adams who talks to deaf animals" or future landscape architect. He is so smart. When Michael and I were at the hospital visiting Caiden when he was born, Corgan looked at Michael TOM and I and said, "One, Two Michaels!" We got so excited, he now says it quite a bit. Doesn't bother us a bit, small price to pay to be the favorite uncles.

It's so cute to see two brothers sharing things. In 3-4 years, they will be screaming at each other because the other took his favorite Hot Wheels. Or jumping in the others bed, going pee in his brothers bed because the boogy man hides in the toilet during the night, and then going back to his own bed so Mom won't spank him. Not that I ever did that! Nope...well...maybe. Bygones.

Corgan is quite the chef, too! I like the little sideways glance he has. Like he's got something mischevious planned. He's probably thinking that he will soon be able to wet his brothers bed and not get spanked for it...
Gosh, Corgan is a lot like Favorite Uncle Michael. My condolences to my baby sister, his mommy. (grin)

Introduction to Kristina, Stephanie, and Melynda

Here are our 3 older nieces. Aren't they all beautiful? Betcha thought I ripped a page from "Teen Vogue" and put it on our blog to trick you! No, but keep an eye out at "Teen Vogue" cause when you do see them on it, remember that you saw them here first! Stephanie is on the left in the purple sweater...oops, I'm gay, better rephrase that: in the PLUM sweater. Stephanie graduates from high school next month and is sweeter than Kool Aid, but if you make her mad, go ahead and dig a hole cause she'll put you in it once she's done with you. She'll make a great judge or prison guard. Kristina is in the AVOCADO sweater holding Joshua. She is 20 and has a good head on her shoulders. She's in college and will probably be the first girl to automatically become a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader without having to try out because she is so pretty. If I like you, maybe I'll go ahead and get you an autograph, before she becomes uber-famous. Melynda is in the, umm...SPRING TORNADO GREY sweat shirt. Melynda is 13 now and keeps getting prettier and prettier every time we see her. Rumor has it that Tyra Banks will have to give up "America's Next Top Model" cause Melynda will surpass them all. When Melynda was younger, her and her favorite Uncle Michael would play dress up with her Bratz Dolls while her other Uncle Michael watched football with his dad. I'm sad that she's outgrown dolls, cause it will be a couple more years before Emily is old enough to play dolls with. Guess I'll just have to play with dolls by myself late at night so no one sees me.

Kristina and her boyfriend Alam. Alam is such a nice guy, but makes us feel like overprotective uncles. He plays his music too loud, drives too fast, and...let me see...is just too nice! It's hard to say anything mean about him. I don't like the number 21, how dare he wear that shirt to a family get-together!

Stephanie, Kristina, Melynda, and "The Dad" Johnny. Don't let Johnny's smile fool you. You touch one of his girls, you'll be lucky to still have a hand left once he finds you. Oh, and he will find you.

Oh...these girls. What is sad is that this picture was taken at Michael and my reception. The reception was at a tea room at an antique shop. Stephanie and Kristina just had to go and scare what shoppers happened to wander over near the tea room. Who needs security when you got Ellie Mae Clampett and Daisy Duke to get rid of them?

Introduction to Joshua and Emily

Here is a picture of one of our nephews, Joshua. He will be 7 months old on the 11th. His Mommy, Tracy - Michael TOM's baby sister, took him in for a check-up recently and he now weighs 20 pounds. He knows that his Favorite Uncle Michael's father has a weight loss clinic and is hopeful that he will be the youngest patients of the Hayes Clinic. He is too cute! And he knows it! He will flirt with anyone...I sense a future as a high dollar business owner, or a Chipendale's Dancer.
Our beautiful niece, Emily. Saturday was her 1st birthday. Emily loves dolls, anything pink, and her grandparents. She is learning sign language, and knows the sign for "milk"...and gets excited when Mommy signs "milk" because she knows she is going to be getting some boob! Smart Girl. I sense that she will have a future as a high-paying lawyer who wears pretty pink outfits and uses her good looks to sway jurors.
WHAT IS WITH THIS CRAP?! I WANTED MILK CHOCOLATE AND YOU GIVE ME DARK CHOCOLATE!?! TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! GIMME YOUR MANAGER!!!
Here is Mom and I in our "Paparizzi" shot with "Topless Opera-Singing Emily" and "Jewelry Eating Eric", another of our nephews to be introduced in another post. We were laughing and having a good time, just in case you were wondering if my mom was Asian or something.

Oh, and did you know that if you use the "red-eye-corrector" thingy on your computer to touch up a picture, it can also make red lips a pretty shade of blue. Don't want you to think Mom fell into that "Blue Lipstick Grunge Crowd" or had frost-bit lips. Love you Mom!
And I promise to post pictures of all our nephews and nieces. Perhaps I can have a competition with my siblings and in-laws to see who can have the next baby? Winner will get the baby's picture with blue lips and a full page post! Because Michael TOM and I are loving uncles like that. So, go start procreating!
Oh, and if you aren't a sibling or in-law and want to enter the competition, my baby brother is single.

My Cheerleader Encounter

Did I ever tell any of you that I once worked with a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? No, I haven't shared this story with all of you? Well then, sit back, relax and enjoy. If you are at work, you may want to shrink the screen, pretend that you are looking up something extremely important that will save your company billions of dollars, so no one will tattle on you.

I had just gotten a job at Gerber Day Care and was the only guy there in a sea of women teachers. This was during my senior year of high school, so I was still insisting I was straight and enjoyed dating girls. (Stop laughing...it's not that hard to imagine!)

All the urchins and trolls had been picked up by their parents and I was trying to leave my classroom spotless at the end of my first day. While wiping dirty fingerprints off the building blocks, behind me came a female voice asking if I needed any help. Turning around to say "No" I was moved speechless at the beauty before me. Perfectly highlighted long blond hair that had been hot-rolled and coated with Rave Hairspray led my eyes down to her blue and red "Units" outfit. Her white Keds with the white lacey ties did not have a smear of kid dirt on them. Once my mouth closed and my eyes met up to her blue-lined almond-shaped eyes, I spurted out, "Are you housekeeping or do you like cleaning?" My face turned 15 shades of red and I looked down at my black leather shoes with the steel-star tips.

"Uh, no. But I can help so we can leave earlier." So, my future love and I finished cleaning in silence. I was imagining how we would tell our children how we met, and hoped my future wife had a cute brother. (I was confused! Gosh...leave me alone!) Breaking the silence, she asked, "You go to Bell High School, don't ya?"

Guess she was stalking me and I didn't know it? That would be another good story to tell our kids. I replied that I did and come to find out she graduated the year before. Her name was Tandra. (Michael, his wife Tandra, their kids Brennan and Alyssa.)

In order to get the ball rolling and actually go out on a date, I did my "secret move" that made the girls swoon. Wanna know what I did? I ran my fingers thru my long bangs and flicked my mullet off my shoulder. (I can HEAR you laughing at the thought of me with hair. Stop!) It would often get stuck in my turtleneck. I had her attention. We were done cleaning, about to leave, and as soon as she finished her story about how much she loved the new Milli Vanilli song, I was going to ask her to go to a dollar movie or something. But something happened that I had no control over.


I farted.

No, unfortunately it wasn't a quiet one, and it couldn't be blamed on a squeaky shoe. Trust me, I tried moving my foot across the floor, but we were on padded carpet. With a pity smile across her lip-glossed lips, she looked into my shocked eyes and said quickly, "See ya later, Mark!" Turning quickly, she ran/walked out of the room.

I never talked to her again. A couple months later, a coworker said that she auditioned for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and made it! I was both excited and mortified. I got bragging rights that I worked with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but was worried that I'd see her years down the road on a Barbara Walters interview, bursting into tears that she can not be intimate with a man because of some guy flirting with her and farting.

And that is why I choose not to watch Barbara Walters interviews.

The Daughters...

We've been fortunate to own two of the best behaved dogs ever bred. Dang it! I'm still no good at lying. Alright...Michael and I have been adopted by 2 shitzu's. They treat us well.Whatcha doin' Daddy?

On the left is Patricia Sandoval (Patches) and on the right is the royal Miss Lola Divine Hayes (Lola). Patches is about 12 years old, boss of the house, and loves anybody who is willing to take a nap with her. Lola will turn 1 on April 23rd and expects lots of gifts...so everyone mark your calendar to make sure the gifts arrive before then. She enjoys toys and anybody who tells her that she is the most beautiful dog ever and whomever gives her good presents on her birthday. (Daddy Sandoval thinks she is a bit bossy and demanding.)

Lola and Patches have several outfits, many of them matching, but we do like for them to express their own individuality. They have their own closet for their seasonal outfits, collars, and homemade scarves from Nana Hayes. Lola and Patches choose to spend their allowances (doesn't everybody give their pets allowances?) on new outfits, delicious treats of a low-fat variety, and getting their hair professionally done. Patches has taught Lola that cats are the spawn of Satan and if one happens to cross thru the backyard, the Human Daddies must be notified immediately, and very loudly, that the backyard is in danger and our daughters must protect their property. It's nice and everything, but at 1am?

We love our girls, and it has been said that they may be just a little spoiled. We don't choose to believe that we spoil them. Their psychotherapist, behavior psychologist, and chiropractic massage therapist insist that they are normal. Yup. Normal alright.