For Sale

For Sale

Like New Mustache & Beard Color

Light Brown - But actually turns your hair Raven Black

Only used once

Okay...maybe twice. Alright! Three times.

Still in good condition

Will deliver to your home if you are the highest bidder

Albino's need not apply

After 11 years...it's gone.

Gosh...I need to tan my chin.

Resolutions for 2008

Whew! Just got back from my trip around the world and am finally able to sit and update my blog. I was so busy touring Italy telling the italians the proper way to make lasagna. I also went to the 3rd world countries and feed all the hungry people. Every last one got a Whopper from Burger King. And while I was on my trip, I found the secret to losing those last 10 pounds everyone complains about and all my hair grew back. Yup. Been busy feeding the hungry and braiding my new hair. You know me. Gotta look good while handing out those burgers.

Guess I didn’t fool ya’ll. But I had you going for a minute. Didn’t I? Didn’t I…?

Now that the New Years is already 22 days old, I got inspired to share some of my New Years Resolutions with you. My sister did it on her blog, and I am all about copying other peoples work. (How do you think I got A’s in English in high school? Wait…it was C’s…forgot I copied off of the dumb people.)

1. Give up potato chips. Just potato chips. I am still allowed to eat Frito’s, Doritos, and Baked Lays. But not those fried potato chips. Sounds like a silly thing, but I needed to give up something that wouldn’t be too hard.
2. Give up Oatmeal Crème Pies. Oh Lord! This has been hard. I waited until January 15th to stop eating those moist oatmeal cookies with a sweet creamy filling that will cause the individual consuming to sigh, moan, and lose some bodily functions. My job fills our vending machines with the Double Decker Oatmeal Crème Pies. Sixty-five cents for orgasmic delight. But have you ever looked at the calories in those suckers? Over 550 calories each! That’ll take 1 hour of intense yoga to burn those calories!!
3. Clean out the garage. I’m too busy with yard work in the spring so that’s something that will have to wait until summer, and hopefully it will be too hot, so I will wait until Autumn. By Autumn, it’ll be too rainy. And it’s too cold in the winter. Might as well just save it until 2009.
4. Learn how to drive a standard car. All I’ve ever driven is an automatic. My former friend, Sam, decided to teach me back in college, and we ended up getting stuck in a ditch in Sulphur Springs, Texas late at night. Another former friend let me try it in his convertible Mustang. Still looking for those hub-caps and back end of the bumper somewhere in downtown Fort Worth. Please let me know if you want to teach me but not become a former friend. Not many people will accept my apologies once their cars have been altered by teaching me how “easy it is to drive a standard”...yea, right.
5. Get a flat stomach. I will still continue doing yoga. I do it a minimum of 3 times a week, and hopefully with having given up those cursed oatmeal crème pies, I will have better results. When I was 50 pounds less than I weigh now, I had a flat stomach for maybe 37 minutes. I’d like to actually have a flat stomach once in my life without the depressing skinny look.
6. Go to California. Michael TOM and I are actually saving money and hope to go in August. But if I have to pay for a new gear-shift for a friend who thought they could teach me how to drive a standard, we may not be able to go until later in the year. Unless we hitch hike. I know some nice truckers in the industry I work in. Hmmm…may have to talk to Michael TOM about it.
7. Get Lola pregnant. Not that I would have anything to do with the ACT of her getting pregnant, but I really want her to have a litter of puppies. Last time she whored around, she just pretended to get pregnant to get special treatment. If she doesn’t get knocked up at the next go round, we will just buy her a sexy black doggie dress, stiletto pumps, and a stripper pole and pray for the best. Or just get her spayed.

Well, looks like I’ve got a couple things I “might” get done this year.

Suppose I better stop handing out the Whoppers to the hungry while trying to keep my new-found bangs out of my eyes and get to work on my resolutions. Gotta pretend I’m cleaning out the garage to keep Michael TOM from yelling at me. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find where I hid my secret stash of potato chips and oatmeal crème pies!