Honeymoon Pictures (Volume 3)

After spending some time in Miami, we headed back to Fort Lauderdale. Thought you all would get giddy over some pictures we took while we went out on Dave and Ari's boat. We got a tour of the canals that run thru the city and out to the Atlantic Ocean. It was such a beautiful day.

Here's my alcoholic husband. Always with a Corona in his hand. Please refer us to some Alcoholics Anonymous groups.

While on our tour, we happened upon this tiny shack. I believe it is known as "The White House" down there. Poor souls, they probably only have 6 live-in housekeepers.

Big Sis Myrna and I love to pose. We've done the "Senior Picture Pose" the "At The Prom Pose" and this one we refer to as the "Cute Straight Couple On Vacation Pose." Sickening ain't it? Those glasses were a life-saver that we bought from a deaf guy for $12. If they cost more than that, he wouldn't tell me.

This is where the boats get parked. Think of it like an alley behind your backyard. Except with water in it instead of dirt and weeds. And instead of throwing your broken down Hoover and poo-poo undies in it, you put your boat back there that costs as much as your house. Your dream house.

This was just half of the house. The other half wrapped around the corner. Silly me thought it was an apartment complex.

I've taken this picture and framed it and have it at my desk. We all look so happy! The sun was shining, we were on the boat in the canal enjoying ourselves, the voices in my head were quiet. This will be one of those memories we will tell people about over and over.

Gilligan, Skipper, MaryAnn, Ginger, and The Professor. The Howels were thrown overboard for being arrogant and pompous.

The parking spot for the boat. Such a beauty...except that canopy! I bumped my head twice on it coming from the sundeck to the lower deck to get more alcohol. Not for me, but my alcoholic husband. I only drank water. Yup, water.


The bedroom on the boat. The boat had a bedroom, kitchen, living area and bathroom. Very nice! Bigger than most of the apartments I lived in while in college. And cleaner too. And I didn't have accent pillows on my hand-me-down bed.

This is Ari and Dave. They are our friends who have the boat. They are the sweetest guys! We can't wait to see them again. All the people we met in Fort Lauderdale and Miami were the nicest people!

Well, we hope you enjoyed these select pictures from our Honeymoon! We've enjoyed sharing them with you almost as much as we did having the experiences we had while in Florida. Nah, that's a lie. Florida was a lot more fun. But we still love ya.

Honeymoon Pictures (Volume 2)

I know...isn't this picture just so cute you could puke?

Our hotel is the one in the middle. We were standing in the Atlantic Ocean when we took this picture. We were really close to the water!




This picture was taken from our balcony. Gorgous view. It would have been so nice to leave the patio door open so you could fall asleep to the sound of the waves crashing, but the people with the patio 3 feet from ours were "really enjoying" their vacation...with their door open. They must have been practicing for the "Bedroom Olympics '07" or something.





Did we tell you we bought a little house while down there? This is the home that Versace lived in before he was murdered on his front step. While walking down in South Beach, we saw this mansion and had to take a picture. This picture doesn't do it justice. His home was freakishly enormous! And no, there was no blood on the front step. I looked. Don't judge...I know you would have looked too.





We stopped at "News Cafe" and had a drink. If you look in the upper-right hand corner, there is the sign. Versace used to go there everyday for a cup of coffee, and since we have so much in common with him, we had to do the same. Our waitress spoke to me in Puerto Rican, thinking I was from Puerto Rico. She quickly learned that this white boy with a fake tan only knows how to say "uno mas" when wanting another drink. I learned after seeing this picture to not even attempt a "sexy" look...it ends up coming out looking like I'm a horny drunk. Lesson learned.




My sweetie! I absolutely love this picture. You can sure tell he had a good time by the smile on his face. And the dark tan. Whew! Give me a moment.




Beautiful sunrise picture taken from our balcony before the horn-dogs next-door woke up. Can you just imagine waking up, walking out to your balcony with the newspaper and a cup of coffee (or Diet Coke for the non-coffee drinkers), putting your feet up and soaking in the view. Did we do that? Hell no! It was like 6am and we were on vacation. We stumbled thru the darkness, took a quick picture, cranked the AC to near freezing and crawled back under the covers for 2-3 more hours.

Honeymoon Pictures (Volume 1)

Show us pictures of your honeymoon in Florida! Gosh, if I only had a nickel for every time I have been asked that, I might have enough money for a pack of Juicy Fruit Gum. Which means not enough people asked, so I will now prolong the pictures into several days!
We had a wonderful time in Florida! Next time I see you in person, I will drag out the 100 some-odd pictures of the sand, water, hotels, and people you don't know and make you pretend to be enthralled at a close up of my feet with sand in between my toes. Can't wait to see you!




No Mom, sorry but this is not my girlfriend. But she did think I was cute and I really wanted to play with her hair and give her fringe bangs. But I digress. Her name is Jennifer C. and she is a singer, and a good one at that. She was singing at John's Birthday party that we went to on the second night and we bought one of her CD's. I like the picture because I look thin.

2 Gay Guys and a Diana Ross picture. Photo had to be taken. We call this the "Brothers Picture" because Michael Tom and John both look like they are related. Guess John is pointing to Diana Ross to fool people into thinking she is the Mom?

Here is our "older sister" Myrna, Michael Tom, John, and I. This was taken the first night in Ft. Lauderdale after our 18 month long flight from Dallas. Don't we all look tan? We went to a bar for an overpriced drink after eating an overpriced sandwich at a chic and overpriced restaurant. But it was worth it because the two "brothers" got to see a picture of Diana Ross. Oh, and I like the picture because I look thin.

Well, my next post will be a couple more pictures from our exciting week! There are so many stories to tell and I can't wait to share them. Just pretend to be excited.

Audrey-The-Smiling-Dog

Audrey and her "First Daddy"

Audrey all prettied up

Back in the spring of 2003, Michael and I decided to adopt a small puppy from a breeder we met at a dog show in Grapevine, Texas. We were informed that she would be about 7-8 pounds fully grown. Within 5 months, she was close to 20 pounds. We learned that breeders can be liars.

Audrey was a bundle of energy and loved to play and loved people. She is the only dog that we know of that would smile at you in the morning. She'd be in her crate and I'd stumble into the kitchen to get my morning cup of coffee and before the smell of the freshly brewed coffee would hit my nose, I would be welcomed by a happy bark and a million-dollar doggie smile. I learned that a dogs smile can be a welcoming site in the morning, but most appreciated after a cup of Folgers.

With Michael and my work schedule, we felt guilty that she wasn't able to run around like we knew she really wanted to. My boss Kathleen offered her home to Audrey and after much consideration, we knew it was the best for Audrey...even if it did cause me to cry. Within a few months of daily doggie updates from Kathleen, I am told that Ms. Audrey was carrying several puppies. I learned that even if you lock your child up in a crate, if she wants to be a slut, she will be a slut and that my parenting skills were not the best.

Kathleen had a career change and was soon living in Seattle, Washington. Audrey went along and found even more yard to play in. Audrey was adopted by Kathleen's niece Zoe, who lived on a large piece of land near Seattle. Audrey and Zoe were best of friends, and even though my updates from Kathleen were not every day, I knew she was happy...evidence proven by Audrey's permanent smile. Last week, Audrey and Zoe were outside playing when a rabbit came into Audrey's view. Audrey found something that would become a new friend and must have run to go introduce herself to the rabbit. The rabbit was not interested in the smiling dog headed at full speed towards her at that current moment and ran off. Audrey did not know rejection, so was determined to find the rabbit, and happily went on to find it. Happy as could be and running as she loved to, she unfortunately ran out onto the country road and was struck by an automobile. Audrey did not make it. I learned that Audrey was a dog that was loved by so many, and taught so many about smiling, loving, and that a dog can give hugs. She came into mine and Michael's life when we were needing her, she blessed Kathleen and her husband Richards life with love and several beautiful puppies. She was lucky enough to meet a young girl named Zoe who found a best friend in this remarkable dog. I believe that there is an angel right now who needed the companionship only Audrey could give.

I don't like sad posts, but wanted to share how lucky we were to have been blessed by this smiling bundle of love. Much like her size outgrew our expectations, her love outgrew our expectations.

Your first Daddies love you Audrey! You little slut. Thanks for the smiles!

In Loving Memory of Our Compaq Computer

I was looking forward to posting a blog yesterday, but the computer went completely down and wouldn’t let me do anything. So…I ended up doing work. (SIGH) The sacrifices we must make while on the company clock.

For the past month, our computer at home has taken a turn for the worse. At first, the lovely overpriced piece of metal was slow. Eventually, it became necessary to shut down and restart completely to access internet sites. No, not nasty sites! Banking sites, credit card sites, and nude midget mud wrestling sites. The normal stuff.

After putting up with only being able to access the internet for 10 minute intervals, it decided it no longer liked displaying a clear picture and would no longer display the mouse. Do you know how hard it is to work a computer without a mouse? I felt like I was using a Commodore 64 with a TSR-80 modem with an Atari joystick.

Michael listened to my complaining about the slow death of our computer on a regular basis. There was a championship nude midget mud wrestling competition being broadcasted live and without proper viewership, it may never happen again. We had to have a working computer…and fast! So, with the help of our adopted older sister who works for Hewlett Packard (will save the story of having an “adopted older sister” for a later post. Don’t want to stress Mom out too much…apparently she found out I was gay from this blog) we shopped around for a new computer. It is now in our office at home just waiting to be put together. And we splurged and are going to actually give up the old “dial-up” internet access for “high-speed” access. Our old computer will be put to rest in an unmarked grave or donated to science.

Once our new computer is all set up, I will be posting pictures on this site all the time. That should keep the family happy. I’ll be posting pictures of our ceremony, honeymoon, nieces and nephews, friends and family, but most important…my prized picture of me and Zena-The-Two-Foot-Tall-Warrior-Of-Terror taken at the mud wrestling championship!

Don’t be jealous.

The Losers Competition

It is amazing how starting up a blog can be such a learning experience. In talking to my Mom last night, she advised she wasn’t able to post comments on the blog. Which would not make me a favorite child, and not popular. With the same tone of voice she gave to me as a lazy preteen that the trash needed to be taken out for the 15th time today or no “Dukes of Hazzard” on Friday night, she told me to get it fixed. So, I did after frumping and mumbling under my breath that Dan Russ’s parents didn’t make him do it. Hope everyone is happy…I would love to get comments from everyone.

For those of you that didn’t know, I have been in a weight-loss competition with some friends of mine from church. We started it in January, and this past weekend was the “final weigh-in” at Myrna’s house. Long story short, we set a goal of how much we wanted to lose in a 2 month time period. If you didn’t lose your goal weight-loss, you had to pay $200 which would be divided amongst the winners who did lose their goal weight. Myrna’s scale is cursed saying I weighed an unGodly amount in January. My goal was 5 pounds until Michael chimed in that I would lose 15 pounds. Gotta love him…

I have been eating better, working out 3-5 times a week, and drinking a lot of water. My toilets have never been used so much. The scale at home on Friday evening said I lost 12 pounds, the scale at the gym (less cursed but equally as mean as Myrna’s) said I lost about 16 to 17 pounds. So, on Saturday morning I ate a sensible breakfast, (Eggbeaters – 60 calories) worked out with extra cardio exercises (Exercycle with wobbly seat – 350 calories), and worked in the yard for about 4 hours (sweaty, stink and dirty – 300 calories). I was starved at 3:00, and wanted to eat McDonalds out of business, but had a cup of sodium-free chicken broth instead (nasty-yellow-looks-like-urine soup – 20 calories). When I got to Myrna’s that evening, I had bitten off Michael’s head, and chewed a couple of peoples butts (Biting heads and chewing butts – 0 calories). I get on the evil scale (would’ve done it nude, but couldn’t afford to spend the night in jail) and it starts beeping and displaying a bunch of different numbers until it slows down to my actual weight. I lost a total of 26 pounds!!!! The evil scale and I have made friends. Of the 7 friends in the competition, 7 lost their goal weight.

Losers paying $200 – none
Amount of money I got to go home with – none
Taste of the double-cheese burger and onion rings eaten after the party - priceless

The Michael's

I thought it might be nice to show a picture of Michael and I. I know, “My, it looks like Tim McGraw and George Stephanopoulos!” We get that all the time. Okay, never. I’m an awful liar.

It was taken at a Thanksgiving Get-Together. I am the one with an overwhelming amount of grey hair on the chin. I am pleased with the picture because I look thin. It’s always a good picture if I look thin. If there is even a remote shadow that looks like double chin, the picture is to be deleted/burned/shredded or buried. Sick issue I seem to have. My Michael always looks good. Even the pictures where one eye is closed and his facial expression looks like he bit into a lemon while sniffing a After-A-Turkey-Dinner-Fart.

Since this picture was taken, Michael has gained some weight, and I’ve lost some. The goatee got to experience the thrill of “Just For Men” beard coloring. Let me explain a little about my “coloring experience.” Sit back and enjoy...

Light Brown is what the box indicated. They must have some color-blind people mixing the colors in their factory. 5 minutes after applying the carefully mixed gel on my goatee, it was a lovely shade of black. Not dark brown…black. Went real well with my light brown eyebrows. I considered for a second trying to color my eyebrows to match, but knowing the luck I was having they’d turn red and my eyelashes would accidentally get gel on them and burn off.

Did I shave it off? No. My sweetie said it looked “nice” while he held back a guttural laugh. I prayed really hard that it would fade, which in a couple of days it did. But not evenly. Left side had a grey spot, middle was dark brown, and right side was brown with “grey roots” starting to come out.
Was that enough to make me shave it off? No. I got the “Just For Men” box out of the bottom of the trash can and colored it again…

Whomever said that vanity is stupid must have tried coloring their goatee?

Oh! The pressure to be like everyone else! I thought I was over it all when I graduated highschool and moved out and onto my own. But, now at the age of 35, I still feel the pressure to be like everyone else. All my brothers and sisters have a blogsite of their own, and I got tired of being pressured to try it.

“Come on. Everybody’s doing it! You’ll be popular. I’ll be your bestest friend. Mommy only loves those who blog.”

I can only handle so much peer pressure before I lose my mind. The hair is gone, can’t afford to lose the mind.

I’d like to say that I handle peer pressure fairly well, but upon thinking more about it, I suck at it. Of all my brothers and sisters (2 brothers and 2 sisters…no, we’re not Catholic…Mormon) I was the only one who drank, smoked, got tattooed, and dressed as a member of the opposite sex. Wait, I do have a younger brother who does like stilletto’s…

So, I hope everyone is happy now. I’ve tried it. It’s kinda scary. Hope I’m your bestest-most-popular friend now.