My Cheerleader Encounter

Did I ever tell any of you that I once worked with a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? No, I haven't shared this story with all of you? Well then, sit back, relax and enjoy. If you are at work, you may want to shrink the screen, pretend that you are looking up something extremely important that will save your company billions of dollars, so no one will tattle on you.

I had just gotten a job at Gerber Day Care and was the only guy there in a sea of women teachers. This was during my senior year of high school, so I was still insisting I was straight and enjoyed dating girls. (Stop laughing...it's not that hard to imagine!)

All the urchins and trolls had been picked up by their parents and I was trying to leave my classroom spotless at the end of my first day. While wiping dirty fingerprints off the building blocks, behind me came a female voice asking if I needed any help. Turning around to say "No" I was moved speechless at the beauty before me. Perfectly highlighted long blond hair that had been hot-rolled and coated with Rave Hairspray led my eyes down to her blue and red "Units" outfit. Her white Keds with the white lacey ties did not have a smear of kid dirt on them. Once my mouth closed and my eyes met up to her blue-lined almond-shaped eyes, I spurted out, "Are you housekeeping or do you like cleaning?" My face turned 15 shades of red and I looked down at my black leather shoes with the steel-star tips.

"Uh, no. But I can help so we can leave earlier." So, my future love and I finished cleaning in silence. I was imagining how we would tell our children how we met, and hoped my future wife had a cute brother. (I was confused! Gosh...leave me alone!) Breaking the silence, she asked, "You go to Bell High School, don't ya?"

Guess she was stalking me and I didn't know it? That would be another good story to tell our kids. I replied that I did and come to find out she graduated the year before. Her name was Tandra. (Michael, his wife Tandra, their kids Brennan and Alyssa.)

In order to get the ball rolling and actually go out on a date, I did my "secret move" that made the girls swoon. Wanna know what I did? I ran my fingers thru my long bangs and flicked my mullet off my shoulder. (I can HEAR you laughing at the thought of me with hair. Stop!) It would often get stuck in my turtleneck. I had her attention. We were done cleaning, about to leave, and as soon as she finished her story about how much she loved the new Milli Vanilli song, I was going to ask her to go to a dollar movie or something. But something happened that I had no control over.


I farted.

No, unfortunately it wasn't a quiet one, and it couldn't be blamed on a squeaky shoe. Trust me, I tried moving my foot across the floor, but we were on padded carpet. With a pity smile across her lip-glossed lips, she looked into my shocked eyes and said quickly, "See ya later, Mark!" Turning quickly, she ran/walked out of the room.

I never talked to her again. A couple months later, a coworker said that she auditioned for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and made it! I was both excited and mortified. I got bragging rights that I worked with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but was worried that I'd see her years down the road on a Barbara Walters interview, bursting into tears that she can not be intimate with a man because of some guy flirting with her and farting.

And that is why I choose not to watch Barbara Walters interviews.